Bird

I spend many a day, singing away in lovely golden cage;

You said I will try, try and fly, when I came of age;

Months passed by, and I would sigh,

Yet the time never came;

When I will glide across the sky,

And join the jolly games.

You loved me, yes, but nevertheless my heart it did fly,

Tearing through the opposing winds, as I swooped across the sky.

With a weary heart I sang to you, I yielded to your love;

After all I was your very own beautiful white dove.

When you did stroke my soft white plumes,

And press me to your cheek,

Silently and painfully, my heart it would go bleak.

You fed me well; your heart would swell,

At the sound of my whistling tune,

I would sleep in comfort every night,

In the warmth of the silvery moon.

One day it grew too much for me,

And I demanded, you set me free.

You opened the door, of the golden cage,

Your pain, I could not see.

With a heavy heart, torn apart, you bade me a sad goodbye,

I froze at the edge of cage, in horror, I could not fly!

Twilight

In the twilight of my life,

When its time to find my way home,

When the harsh light of the day fades,

Into soft darkness.

The sun has abandoned the sky,

And suddenly there is a sense of urgency,

A haste to find shelter.

My steps quicken on the much known path,

I cannot see well, only silhouettes of people,

Progressing forward like dark shadows.

I can only see their faces,

When they are too close for comfort.

The air is torn with the cry of birds,

As they call each other to safety,

The hastened flutter of wings,

Cut though my soul like steely knives,

They cut through my sanity.

They fly in flocks across the sky,

And darkness descends like heavy smoke,

It engulfs all that falls in its path.

I strain my eyes to see ahead,

In the twilight of my life.

Amongst these ghastly faces, I must find you,

I must hear you over this din.

I know not what is ahead of me, my love,

But I give you my word, I will fight

Till the last ray fades,

If only to unite our battered souls,

In the twilight of my life. 

The parking line at the station seemed to stretch endlessly. There he sat fidgeting impatiently and checking his watch. She was coming home today with the babies. The smoke, dust and sweat blurred his thoughts of them. Yet he couldn’t stop thinking.

He could almost feel her hair against his cheek when he would hug her, the soft skin of the babies, he could imagine her smile. He felt somehow that when she would return, everything would magically be alright.

The loud car horn burst through his thoughts. He felt irritation creeping in, then a longing for her. He wished that he could at least call her once but the transmission lines were too weak. He tried not to think about it, it caused a lot of worry.

After locking the car and checking the doors, he tried to orient himself in order to locate the platform.

His heart leaped when the phone rang. He scrambled in his pocket and hurriedly put it to his ears.

“Hi sweetie!”

The voice flooded him with relief, the station seemed to melt away before that voice, “Hi, how are you?”

“I’m fine, I’m almost there. Are you there yet?”

“Yes”, he replied, making his way through entwining lines of people. 

A laugh came through the phone, making him weak with emotion; almost pulling him, hypnotized, to her.

“Did you have your food? How are the babies?”

“Yes, yes to all your questions, I’m a good girl. And yes, the babies are bouncing uncontrollably, can’t wait to see you. I’ve never heard so much of ‘daddy, daddy’ in my life!”

He was straining his ears to hear her over the deafening noise of the stations. “Babies, you will see me shortly, be good and listen to Mommy. Be close to her.”

“Chotto babies, see what daddy is saying. Sweetie, I think we just entered the platform.”

“Yes, I’m nearly there.”

He moved impatiently through the crowded platform, excitement flooding him. How will she manage with all the bags and the babies? He felt worried, “Take care while getting down, and take care of the babies”.

“I will. Listen, I’m leaving the phone now, just wait for a moment.”

He waited, heart throbbing uncontrollably. His look pierced the crowd. Hoards of people passed by, pushing from all sides.

A small face appeared at the carriage door, a small boy holding a fistful of cloth, the cloth of her dress. He tried to make his way to the carriage but the crowd prevented him.

She appeared next, a bag slung across her shoulder; two little girls beside her, holding on to her dress, looking lost and scared and a small baby wrapped in a pink cloth lay asleep in her arms.

His heart leapt as he was moving with increased urgency towards them, joy filling every inch of his body.

Finally he reached the carriage door, they spotted him. The little boy stretched out his small hands towards him and he lifted him and put him down on the ground. The two girls stretched out their hands towards him. He lifted the younger one and put her down. She scrambled towards him and threw her tiny arms around his legs.

When she came down and smiled at him, the whole place disappeared in a flash of light. She took his arm and guided him forward.

Please

Sweet Nandini, come to me. I’m so tired of waiting, I can’t take it anymore. Come to me and free me from these earthly bounds. My heart yearns for you, my souls cries for you. Don’t play games anymore, my child, nighttime approaches, come to me.

                Fill my arms with your precious little body. I crave to hold you. My arms feel empty without you, come and play in my arms. Fill my senses with your demanding cry, I will hold you close, I will keep you safe, nighttime approaches, come to me.

                 My pain is too much for your little head to grasp. I don’t want my pain to touch you, my love. Just know that the pain will end when you come and I will be free. But before I go, I want to hold you and look at you, my angel. I want to kiss those rosy cheeks and hear your sweet cry. The day draws to end, nighttime approaches, come to me.

                Sweet child, when you come, I will be happy after a long time. You don’t know how much I suffer. I know it will all fall away when I look into those crystal clear eyes full of purity and innocence. I know that you know nothing of pain, of suffering or struggle. Yet you know all about love.

I love you my sweetheart. The only reason my heart beats is because I know that one day you will come to me. It’s getting dark, come into my arms. I will keep you warm and safe.

Dear Nandini, you know my plight. I know you are watching and laughing, your laughter as smooth as the peal of little bells.

Nighttime approaches, I beseech you, come to me.

               

               

Pain

Night came slowly, so did the pain. First came denial, but the fight was lost and the pain overtook the mind and paralyzed the body.

 The pain began as a small seed, deep in the middle of the chest and spread like branches, immobilizing everything it touched.

  First it spread all over the chest, constricted the breathing, I gasped for breath. Then it spread downward to the stomach, it pressed down hard, causing a deep ache. It spread to the throat, it burned deeply.

 It was like a large stone bore down on me, pressing down on my lungs, my stomach. I was unable to bear the weight of this gigantic stone.

 I writhed and stretched in pain, it only got worse.

 ‘I can’t take it, it’s hurting too much, I want to die.’

 ‘It hurts too much, I can’t breathe.’

 The pain overtook the limbs and I lay still, speechless and eyes out of focus. Inside my head I was screaming and thrashing. I was begging for death, pleading for mercy.

 The night seemed to stretch endlessly and the pain…the pain was unbelievable, excruciating.  I lay motionless, suffering, unable to even close my eyes, tears wetting my face; as pain tore deeper and deeper into my body.

  A loving hand gently caressed my hair; slowly the hand came down to my face and wiped away the tears. For the first time, my eyes closed and the tension on my face released. I let out a heavy breath.

 The hand gently took my hands and I slowly managed to turn my head and I saw the most beautiful face. The face flooded my body with strange relief. I could breathe again, with difficulty but I could.

 Tears flooded my eyes as I silently complained about my pain. The eyes on that face, the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen, the eyes that make me weak in the knees, the eyes that brought gushes of emotions through me…they seemed to understand my plight.

 I looked helplessly into those eyes. Those caressing hands gathered my torn body and cradled it to a strong chest; soft, smooth and warm.

 The pain dulled, became bearable, very much bearable. The touch of that chest was tranquilizing. When I closed my eyes, my head blanked out and I felt weary and tired. I sank into a state of painless oblivion; a trance; a state of emptiness.

 I sank deep…deep into a warm, comfortable, subconscious.

Escape

  They were everywhere.  Fear had taken over me. Sweat poured in channels all over me. The sound of their words, thoughts were overwhelming. I couldn’t take it anymore. I shut my eyes and ears and ran, just ran, as fast as I could, as far as I could.

  When I was sure that no sound remained, I stopped. Relief swept over my body, I gasped for breath and slowly opened my eyes. Horror struck me, there they were. Silent as death, faces blurred, watching me with cold, blank eyes. I felt my breath leave my body.  I mustered up enough strength again and ran.

  Up ahead I saw an enclosure. I scrambled into it and finally breathed a sigh of relief. I couldn’t see all those apparitions smiling a triumphant smile.

  Alone…I was alone. Finally, that’s what I had wanted…right?

  Now I walk too fast sometimes,

  Sometimes I laugh too loudly,

  I turn up the music volume to a deafening level…just to shut myself out.

  I want to hurt myself

  The burning feeling of pain, I want it…just to distract myself.

  I want to wake up suddenly, in a new place…just to feel fear.

  I struggle every moment, all the time,

  Closed spaces scare me, so do wide open spaces,

  Now there is no escape, I know it…after all how can I escape from myself?

Chotto Bou

  The old house-maids melodramatic wailing could be heard all the way from the road. "Haye haye, meyetake keno nie nilli thakur?", she cried, God, why did you take this girl's life? 

  The old car screeched to a halt in a cloud of exhaust fumes, just in front of the house. Nirmal Babu descended, ashen faced, from the car. He gathered up his dhoti and walked steadily into the house. He had heard the news this morning; it had shocked him to his very core.

  The servants of the house led him to the kitchen. He froze, just in front of the door. 

 Their she lay; Chotto Bou, in her best sari, adorned in her best jewelery, only dead. The old maid wailing away...Nirmal took a few paces forward and fell to his knees.

  It had been precisely two months and twenty two days since their marriage. 

  He recalled the moment she looked up at him, she loved him too much. It was the happiest day for them. That was the day he had stroked her face and called her Chotto Bou. She had melted with joy. 

  Nirmal too fell in love with Chotto Bou but he always felt, she loved him too much. 

  He noticed, she had funny ways. She loved to play with dolls, so he bought her some baby dolls that she played with all the time. She named them, sang to them, put them to sleep, woke them up every morning. Nirmal had to play along and pretend they were their own children. 

  He was taken by her innocence. She would stare at his face, her eyes full of admirations. It made him feel special. She would look forward to his company and would grow sad when he had to leave for work. He would distract her with her dolls and promise her to return soon. They spent many a happy hours.

  Then a peculiar change came upon her. She grew depressed and needy. She wanted his company all the time. She would refuse to let him go. Sometimes she would grow violent when he had to leave. Tears filled her days with sorrow, melancholy hovered around her.

  "You have changed", commented Nirmal, trying to mask his irritation. 

  She would listen in silence and nothing would change. 

  One morning, she wouldn't let go of him. He pushed her away and said, "I cannot give you so much time. I'm trying to accommodate you far as possible, nothing is enough for you. Please don't stretch me any further, I have other things to do."

  She listened quietly, her face clearly showing that she was hurt and, she let go. 

  That evening Nirmal was working in the room downstairs and she came and stood by the door. Nirmal looked up, irritated and asked her what she wanted.

  "Amar kosto hochhe", she said, "I'm in pain".

  "Where is it paining?"

  "Inside".

  "I can't do anything to help you, you are not letting me work."

  He began to ignore her, he stopped coming home. One night she called at the office. "Please come home, I'm missing you, I'm feeling really sad".

  Nirmal replied, "I can't come now, I'll try in the morning."

  "Please, I beg you just for a minute, come home. I want to see you."

  "Its not possible now, please let me go."

  "Listen to me just once."

  "Tell me quickly."

  "Please just come home, I wont be sad anymore."

  "I'm telling you its not possible."

  Her voice broke into a sob."I'm requesting you, please."

  "Even I'm requesting you. If you don't keep my request, why should I keep yours?"

  "Listen, listen..."

  Nirmal had disconnected the phone. 

  That night Nirmal's Chotto Bou dressed in her best sari, wore her finest jewelery and imagined that she was on Nirmals lap. He was stroking her and calling her Chotto Bou. Tears were rolling down her eyes and he was sweetly wiping them away. She closed her eyes and felt at peace. She felt unexplainably  happy, these were tears of joy she thought. 

  When she opened her eyes, she saw Nirmal by the door, calling to her, "Chotto Bou, esho..,come." She followed blindly. She was lead into the kitchen. She smiled at him through her tears as he handed her a knife and smiled back. 

 

  In the morning the servants found her in a pool of blood. They called Nirmal at the office.

  "Abar? Again you called?"

  "Babu...", he heard the news.

  He froze. 

  He knelt beside her, trembling at the sight of the peace on her tortured face.